The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale Of Christmas Terror

The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale Of Christmas Terror
Christopher Moore | 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | Sound Library | 0 | Horror
Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

'Twas the night (okay, more like the week) before Christmas, and all through the tiny community of Pine Cove, California, people are busy buying, wrapping, packing, and generally getting into the holiday spirit. It is the hap-hap-happiest time of the year, after all.

But not everybody is feeling the joy. Little Joshua Barker is in desperate need of a holiday miracle. No, he's not on his deathbed; no, his dog hasn't run away from home. But Josh is sure that he saw Santa take a shovel to the head, and now the seven-year-old has only one prayer: Please, Santa, come back from the dead.

But hold on! There's an angel waiting in the wings. (Wings, get it?) It's none other than the Archangel Raziel come to Earth seeking a small child with a wish that needs granting. Unfortunately, our angel's not sporting the brightest halo in the bunch, and before you can say "Kris Kringle," he's botched his sacred mission and sent the residents of Pine Cove headlong into Christmas chaos, culminating in the most hilarious and horrifying holiday party the town has ever seen.

Only Christopher Moore, the man who brought you the outrageous lost gospel Lamb and the hysterical fish tale Fluke could have devised a new holiday classic that tugs at the heartstrings and serves up a healthy slice of fruitcake to boot.

Move over, Charles Dickens -- it's Christopher Moore time.
Reviews
This is the first Christopher Moore novel I've read and frankly, I'm not nearly as impressed with this as many of the other reviewers. I'm not fond of tearing down other people's hard work, but this novel didn't really have much of a plot-it was more as if Moore had developed several characters he thought were funny and then sat down and tried to figure out a way to put them all in a novel. I've since read "Practical Demonkeeping" and anyone who's read it should be able to see what I'm saying-"Demonkeeping" has a plot that drives the novel and which makes the actions of the characters make sense. This novel, not so much. I thought that "Demonkeeping" was quite a bit better than this novel, and I'd recommend it above this one. I have to admit, however, that I NEVER read fiction-I haven't read a novel all the way through in years-and I DID read this one, so obviously I liked it, and it got me to go back to the library to check out another of his books. These novels certainly aren't great literature, but then if great literature were what we were after we'd be reviewing Joseph Conrad or Herman Melville. I'd advise readers to skip this novel but check out Moore's other stuff. I'm looking forward to seeing what else he's come up with.
Reviews
Great read. If you can't laugh at Christmas, how about zombies at Christmas? Who knew they liked Ikea as much as living flesh.This book will be more enjoyable if you have read other Moore books, but don't let that stop you. Old friends are back and the more things change, the more they stay the same. I laughed my butski blueski.
Reviews
This is not a heart-warming story, nor is there any peace, miracles, or goodwill towards men. For those who are sick of sugary sweet Christmas stories, this nitty-gritty tale is a much needed counterpoint. There is an angel, and yes he does a stupid thing by losing his wings. But he is too busy trying to prevent this world from coming to an end. Quirky characters are a delight. Also try Moore's other humorous novel Practical Demonkeeping.
Reviews
Christopher Moore ("Fool," "Practical Demonkeeping," "Bite Me") warms my heart. Consistently insane, always hilarious, and as ever completely unexpected, his series of novels capture the madness that is our quest for the American dream.



By choosing non-L.A. California as the setting for most of his novels, Moore can populate his books with a merry band of dreamers, losers, almost-greats and small town big fish. His beloved cast of characters now in place, he simply thinks up a crazy idea for a plot and lets the chips fly where they may.



For "The Stupidest Angel," Moore returns to Pine Cove, everyone's favorite tourist trap on the central California coast. It's the holidays, and true to form, Moore starts off the yuletide season as only he can - with a dead Santa Claus. A young boy witnesses the demise of St. Nick and wishes with all his heart that Christmas won't be ruined. And so an Angel of the Lord - Raziel, whom we've met before (and love despite of his intellectual shortcomings) - is sent to Pine Cove to perform a Christmas miracle.



And so it is that within hours, Pine Cove is overwhelmed with a mighty winter storm, warrior-women brandishing ancient Japanese swords, talking fruit bats, and a bevy of murderous and gossipy zombies. Along the way, oodles of laughter, plenty of sex, a spot or two of blood, and the occasional life lesson or two are there for the reader's enjoyment.



Not to mention the epic Chapter 16.



If you have not yet dived into the crazy world of Christopher Moore, I highly recommend grabbing his first book, "Practical Demonkeeping," right away. While by no means is it essential to read Mr. Moore's books in order, it is recommended because many of his characters show up in later novels.



Read this book!
Reviews
I realize this book came out years ago, but this is the first time I've read it and I have to say, Christopher Moore is probably my favorite "comedic" author ever! I've read 4 other of his books, and none of them cease to amaze me, including this one! I never saw it coming... I don't want to ruin it for anyone reading these reviews before reading the book, but if you haven't read any of CM's books yet, or if you have and already know of his wacky sense of humor, then get this book!!! it is hilarious!!! I know it will never happen, but it would be awesome if someone made a movie based on this book... it would be an instant cult classic!!! ...right up there with Shaun of the Dead!!

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The Waste Lands: The Dark Tower Book III

The Waste Lands: The Dark Tower Book III
Stephen King | 1992-01-01 00:00:00 | Plume | 422 | Horror
The wait will soon be over for the millions of fans eagerly anticipating the next installment of Stephen King's riveting The Waste Lands. Enter the realm of the mightiest imagination of our time as the Last Gunslinger crosses the desert of damnation and approaches the Dark Tower of his dreams and nightmares. 12 full-color illustrations; line art throughout.
Reviews
WOW! I just finished this book.



I started with book one, "The Gunslinger", which was great. The second book, "The drawing of the Three" was just OK, but I got through it and I am glad to have done so, because, "The Wastelands" is AMAZING!



I really enjoyed the ending, although I understand how some disapprove. It leaves you with a serious cliff hanger, and then the 4th book took years to be released. But, this ending was perfect, I wouldn't have changed a thing! Stephen was right when he said "books which write themselves(as this one did,for the most part) must also be allowed to end themselves".



I can't wait to start the next of "The Dark Tower" series.
Reviews
I was enjoying the hell out of this book up until the point where Jake was drawn. After that, it was interesting, but not quite as fascinating for me personally. Fighting Shardik, finding the path of the beam, tag-teaming/raping a sexually charged demon, and Jake's battle with the door keeper were absolutely riveting. I loved the portion of the book exploring Jake as he tries to cope with the memories of dying twice. These were the high points of the book for me, but then comes Lud. The sequence in the city was exciting at certain points, but ultimately it wasn't as strong as the first portion of the book in my eyes. Even though it ends on a cliffhanger, I enjoyed the ending and every second they were in the presence of Blaine the mono. The riddling that begins the next book is some interesting stuff. Even with the weaker ending, this is my favorite book in the Dark Tower series behind Wolves of the Calla. Such a great story, with mystery piled upon mystery in a way that may seem maddening, but ultimately it just fuels your desire to keep on reading.
Reviews
I loved the book! It is the continuing saga of the tower series and if you're like me, you can't skip from one to 3 without reading two.
Reviews
Started off slow for me. I actually read this in paperback about a year ago and about half-way through and didn't return to it. I decided to make it my first Kindle purchase. I'm glad I did, the book ends much better than it starts out and leads perfectly into the 4th book Wizards and Glass which I purchased after ending this one.
Reviews
This is a great book! Sadly it is the last great one in the DT series. So my warning to fans of The Dark Tower books is this: DONT read books 4-7! You will be horrified at what King does to the wonderful charachters and world that he has created. But if you must continue the story after 3 then go ahead and read 4. It really isn't that bad but it's sure is no match for 1-3. 5-7 is complete garbage and should have never been written or published.



The Waste Lands is my favourite in the series. I love the plot and the cool stuff that Roland and his "ka tet" find along their journey.

it really is a great addition to the DTs. But once again 4-7 will only dissapoint. Some things are better left unfinished. Mr. King should have relized that when he decided to (SPOILER) put in Harry Potter snitches, lightsabers, and the most annoying way of talking ever in book 5.



This epic series had such momentum and it really is a shame at what happens to the quality of the story in 4-7. So please please please don't read them!!!!

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Hide and Seek

Hide and Seek
Jack Ketchum | 2007-11-05 00:00:00 | Gauntlet Press | 173 | Horror
Hide and Seek is a book about games. Reckless, dangerous games. Games you might even want to play yourself if you're with the right people. But shouldn't. Not ever. In a small Maine town, a group of thrill seeking college kids finds a game of hide and seek in an abandoned house turning into a reality of stark terror.
Reviews
I really liked this book, and I think it's some of Ketchum's best writing. Every so often he includes a couple of sentences that describe details that I found sublime. The characters and their relationships are complex and interesting, and as mentioned in the other reviews the book might remind you of Stand By Me or Richard Laymon's Travelling Vampire Show. While there are hints of what's to come, the first half of the book is the characters being fleshed out as they spend a summer on the coast of Maine. The Ketchum depravity that follows is up to par. This book also reminded me of Laymon's Night in Lonesome October.

A night of fun trespassing in a haunted house--What could possibly go wrong?
Reviews
The follies of youth - sometimes they lead people to do the strangest things. Sometimes that means impressing people by shouldering less-than-bright ideas that we come up with, and sometimes that means trying to put on lifestyles that we know nothing about. Enter our lead in this story, sitting in his tourist town and noticing how much life is passing him by, and enter our distraction and the friends she courts. Also enter a tale of a house that has a haunting history when we are told about it, and enter Hide and Seek.



As far as Jack Ketchum is concerned, I have to credit him with being one of the most stable character developers I have ever read. When his ideas hit the proverbial blackboard of thought, I can see the people and the little things they bring to the table. Whether they have a nervous tick or some sort of unmentioned OCD that causes them to do some of the oddest things, they have a clarity about them. I also have to credit him with being one of the best set-up men in the business. Many people can place a thing before you and the linearity of it makes you say that it was alright, but Ketchum's paths are anything if straight and the development a reader follows is a beauty to behold. I personally find the way he builds his worlds inciting.



In Hide and Seek, the dance of the characters is nice to watch and the thing they are building up to is something you see coming out of the corner of your eye, and that is good. I personally thought the time spent developing the characters were a beautiful thing, and the temperament of the people involved --- it was honest in its own way. I also liked the own and the way it was defined; a thing rotting from the inside and supported only by tourists, giving it a feeling that does not scrub off easily. The run-down homes and the position of nature - sometimes it feels as if there is a statement involved in that and not just a set-up for things to come. The downside of the whole thing is the "what" that happens, or perhaps the briefness of the "what" that happens. You have an event that transpires, people trying to be better than the best they know how to be, and then, ummm, conclusion (?) I personally did not like that, thinking the ending was a bit rushed for my tastes. Still, I did like the book and thought it was a god read/



If you are a fan of Ketchum, these are the days to pick up books that you would otherwise never see. When Hide and Seek used to look at me it looked from a place I could not reach, and that dollar monument was a scary place. Now it, as well as many of his and Edward Lee's works, are being released once more and it is fabulous. Were it not for this, I would not even be allowed an opinion on the book. If you do not know Ketchum, try out books like "The Lost," "Off-Season," and anything else that catches your fancy. I personally recommend Peaceable Kingdom as a starting point for the short story reader, citing "The Box" and the Stoker Award it won.

So, this is reluctantly recommended, getting gold stars for some of its play and silver stars for others. Regardless, it is a good tale and nice to see back in-print.


Reviews
Simply put: If there were more books like this, more people would read horror. This is without a doubt the scariest book I have EVER read, and I've read 'em all--- King, Laymon, Little, Lee, et al. For the last 1/4 of this book I could literally feel my heart hammering in my chest. Ketchum does something very few horror authors do effectively: he lets us slowly get to know his characters inside and out, so by the time the "action" starts we are ao invested in the characters and the story that it's like we are experiencing the events ourselves. This book is an absolute gem. Don't be put off by the fact that this book costs a little more than your average trade paperback, because it is worth the price of admission and then some.
Reviews
it was a quick and easy read. a bit predictable - reminded me of his offseason&offspring books, minus the gore. not scary.
Reviews
Ketchum did it again, created a story so real that it draws you in and leaves you wondering. The "horror" of Ketchum is that he bases his stories on reality. No supernatural happenings here, just a little pushing of the reality envelope.

Dan is a young kid just floating through life in a sleepy little town, working at a lumber mill, and putting off attending college. Life for Dan is calm and easy until three rich kids from Boston arrive in Dead River. (What a name for a town where horrors live.)

Casey, (who becomes Dan's lover) Steve, and Kim take Dan into their fold and Dan's life becomes less than calm. The three college kids show Dan how to live life with a sense of entitlement by stealing caviar and cheese for picnics on the beach, creating their own nude beach, and shirking the responsibility of a job.

Dan's relationship with Casey is complicated by her hedonism and risk taking. During the course of the summer Dan comes to understand the tragedy in Casey's life that has formed her personality. He doesn't like what it has done to her, but out of his love/infatuation with her Dan goes along with Casey's crazy antics. One being the game of hide and seek in an old abandoned house at midnight. The house just happens to have a dark history, which Dan shared with Casey, Kim and Steve. And it is because of the houses history, which involves the eviction and disappearace of reculsive Ben and Mary Crouch, the removal of tens of abandonded dogs from the house, and the inability of anyone to live in the old Crouch home afterward, that prompts Casey's game. It turns into a very dangerous game for everyone, especially Casey.

Hide and Seek reminded me of The Girl Next Door and Red, other great books of Ketchum's books that have their terror based in reality. If you want to be scared by something other than ghosts, demons, and the such, and want your fright to come from society, read Ketchum.

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Necroscope

Necroscope
Brian Lumley | 1992-01-15 00:00:00 | Tor Books | 512 | Horror
Except to Harry Keogh, Necroscope. And what they tell him is horrifying.

In the Balkan mountains of Rumania, a terrible evil is growing. Long buried in hallowed ground, bound by earth and silver, the master vampire schemes and plots. Trapped in unlife, neither dead nor living, Thibor Ferenczy hungers for freedom and revenge.

The vampire's human tool is Boris Dragosani, part of a super-secret Soviet spy agency. Dragosani is an avid pupil, eager to plumb the depthless evil of the vampire's mind. Ferenczy teaches Dragosani the awful skills of the necromancer, gives him the ability to rip secrets from the mind and bodies of the dead.

Dragosani works not for Ferenczy's freedom but world domination. he will rule the world with knowledge raped from the dead.

His only opponent: Harry Koegh, champion of the dead and the living.

To protect Harry, the dead will do anything--even rise from their graves!

Reviews
This book is (as the title says) lame. As simple as that.

I bought first 4 books of the series via Amazon because I really love vampire stories and the books had an average of over 4 stars - what could possibly go wrong?

After reading the first one I am so much glad that number 5 could not be bought :D

Let's go to the pros and cons



Pros:

- to my liking, vampirism as a disease is described in "realistic" way

- the part of the book concerning Dragosani is rather good



Cons:

- this is NOT A VAMPIRE STORY

- this is '80s spy novel

- story turns out to be lame

- characters are more than lame (ALL of them)

- the "science" used in the book is (did I use this word already?) lame - I was practically offended by mocking of the mathematics (or was it mocking the British school system)

- the writing style is childish - but really (even though the guy was about 50 when he wrote it!)



Conclusion:

If you really NEED to read it - get it from the library



2 stars - I am ready to forgive him turning the good idea to a lame book because of the time the book was written and give 2 stars instead of 0 :D. The cold war WAS the thing back in those days (however it is not good enough excuse for low quality spy novel we have here)
Reviews
I loved this book. Havent read anymore of the series, just finished the first book and intend on going to buy the second after school. I'm hooked. It did have quite a few characters so at times I had to stop and think of who it was when they hadn't been mentioned for a while. One of the better "vampire" books out there. I put vampire in perenthesies because its SO much more than that.
Reviews
I've read the entire first trilogy at this point and have moved on to the second and haven't stopped being wow'd. This book is the one that started it all and it's truly unique to horror. It's very well written by a masterful author. I couldn't put this book down because of the way it explains the true evil of this vampire and other character it develops around it. And let's not forget about our main character and all the espers. Crazy, crazy. It's so engrossingly fantastic and as brutal and amazing as it is (you won't think it can get better), it's all uphill from here! Brian Lumley is a genius. If you like horror and you like the true evil vampires are supposed to be (not ann rice!), this is where you want to be. This is the best of the best in vampire horror.
Reviews
Brian Lumley treats the topic of the Vampire completely... Completely differently. Unless you've read the cliff notes version, you will (absolutely) have no clue of what is in store for you.



And this particular book of his "NecroScope" actually stands alone.

It is unique even, within his own universe of stories.

But more on that at the end.

First, about his Vampires.

The Wamphir



In every movie.

every book (and YES I do like Anne Rices, version of the Vampire)



every darn story about a Vampire I have ever ever read. They are actually



ALL THE SAME. every one of them.



Lumley does engineer an entirely new approach to Vampires.



In order to submerge yourself into a fictional story, there is an important concept. The concept is known as "suspended belief". In other words, in order for the story to work, you must let go of all "normal" daily assumptions and temporarily allow an alternate set of rules to govern "reality".



And this one is Good.

So suspend your beliefs... and read this book, and you will find an extremely different KIND of Vampire story. Then try more of his books in the series. Like 'King... Lumley tends to write a very big book. I found some of his later books too wordy and very long on a scene by scene basis... again... Like 'King.



But THIS particular one ... is definitely NOT boring.

And if you become hooked on Lumley, then the others in the series are ok or very good also. But I know is later books of the series will not be for everyone.



How well the story is written or filmed, is what determines the LEVEL of commitment you can have to the story. If it is good. You are able to let yourself lose your sense of "now"... And you BELIEVE the story line. Then it is a good story line.



Trust me on this. Brian Lumley does Vampires in a way NO ONE on this earth has.

It's virtually entirely different. Yet there is a faint... very faint. similarity to the 'Classic' Vampire. He creates an ENTIRE New UNIVERSE based on this.



There are many many books in the series.



NecroScope actually does not have a confrontation with a full Vampire until the very very end. It's because he was still human throughout the entire story but becoming increasingly under the influence of his "Vampire"



It's mostly about a boy named Harry Keogh, who can talk to dead people. And then, the mystically gifted man that he becomes.



The dead talk to him and they say "Harry, you are a LIGHT to us..."

And there is more... much more, in the story to grab you.



This is a truly ORIGINAL approach to Vampires.



Try it and see if you want more.






Reviews
Brian Lumley's "Necroscope" and its sequels are equal parts Tom Clancy and Anne Rice. Super-secret ESP agencies are being employed by both sides of the Cold War in an attempt to gain the upper hand. The USSR's chief physic tool is a Romanian who can read the minds of the recently dead by touching, smelling, and even tasting their remains. The British enlist the aid of Harry Keogh, a man who learns all of the secrets of the dead- by entering their realm and speaking to them personally. When a dark vampire threatens to play the Soviet agent in his quest to dominate the Earth, Keogh must use the powers of the deceased to combat him. Thoroughly entertaining and at times genuinely chilling, "Necroscope" is a fun horror novel that doesn't disappoint.

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